Stupify

There would always be days when - especially in the middle of my work shift - when I just stop and think that I do not belong here. That this is not what I am not supposed to do. That this is not the life for me. That I have to stop, rethink, and change ways.

Is that my heart talking?

Ex-Boyfriend Blues

Cipriano.
We almost bumped in a mall while I was with my boyfriend. He was dumbstruck. Clearly. I had palpitations. Part-excitement. Part-revenge. Part-annoyed. Part-wonder. I get it that he's still mad at me. But was I the only one to blame?
REASON WHY WE BROKE UP: He thinks that meeting his parents was not important. I think that it is. Ideas clashed. I got tired of waiting. I left.

Navarro.
He got sick. I paid him a visit. I even managed to bring him some oranges which I put in a brand new paper bag. It was awesome that I got past that shame phase. Although I get annoyed when I hear someone mention his current girlfriend. I don't know why. He's weird. Sometimes I think he's making fun of me or mocking me. Sometimes I think that he's just my friend.
REASON WHY WE BROKE UP: I got bored with the routine.




Am I that hard to please?

Worried

So this month, something happened between my boyfriend and I. And I am scared that it might result into something that is unplanned.







I hate the thought of it.

Fucked Up

My enthusiasm for work is beginning to cease.
Not because I don't enjoy it. But because there are some people in there who have been treating me like crap lately.
I know I should never get affected by them. It's just that their blows are waaaaay below the belt.

And I seem powerless to stop it.

Dazed

I may never know why I always feel a certain level of attraction to older (and sometimes MARRIED!) men.

Maybe because they are easier to talk to.
Maybe because they actually (or they seem) to be listening.
Maybe because they know how to pay attention ( which I lack )
Maybe because they know how to treat a woman.
Maybe because they're done with the phase of impressing people.
Maybe because they know what they want in life.
Maybe because.

It happened and it is still happening.
More than once.
More than twice.
Ugh!
More than thrice.

And although I am pretty ashamed to let myself do the things that I am doing, I can't stop.

I love being the object of their affection.
AND ATTENTION.

Like, Ariel, for example.
He is married.
His wife used to be my boss.
And yet, I let him hold me and kiss me.

Dennis.
Whom I just began to hang out with.
I don't know. But he's giving me mixed signals.
And I love being with him.
He makes me feel.... wanted and adored and beautiful.



By the way, I saw Aaron today.
He was looking really nice. And he was disappointed that I can't come with him to Zambo. Heck, I can't even come with him to his condo unit in Binondo! But then, he was too charming, I can't stop him when he kissed me!


I can't stop.

Out of my Head

So lately I have been experiencing this numbness on my head plus some glare when I look straight on lights.

I am a paranoid person.

And to be honest, this thing really scares the shit out of me.

I just want to feel normal again.

Zamboo

So maybe I can't go to Zamboanga.

I knew from the first time that he asked me to do it. And it's been a MONTH since he did.

Aaron.

Why can't I tell him straight that I can't go? Oh well maybe I am just scared to disappoint him... or lose him. Or believe him.

He's just too good to be true.

He's just so not believable.

And apparently, I have created a person that is believable to him. How can he say that he loves me when he don't even know my middle name or my whole being. The person that he loves (if he really does love me) is the person that I have created. Somebody who doesn't really exist. Just one of my personas.



I want to go to Zamboanga.