Dazed

I may never know why I always feel a certain level of attraction to older (and sometimes MARRIED!) men.

Maybe because they are easier to talk to.
Maybe because they actually (or they seem) to be listening.
Maybe because they know how to pay attention ( which I lack )
Maybe because they know how to treat a woman.
Maybe because they're done with the phase of impressing people.
Maybe because they know what they want in life.
Maybe because.

It happened and it is still happening.
More than once.
More than twice.
Ugh!
More than thrice.

And although I am pretty ashamed to let myself do the things that I am doing, I can't stop.

I love being the object of their affection.
AND ATTENTION.

Like, Ariel, for example.
He is married.
His wife used to be my boss.
And yet, I let him hold me and kiss me.

Dennis.
Whom I just began to hang out with.
I don't know. But he's giving me mixed signals.
And I love being with him.
He makes me feel.... wanted and adored and beautiful.



By the way, I saw Aaron today.
He was looking really nice. And he was disappointed that I can't come with him to Zambo. Heck, I can't even come with him to his condo unit in Binondo! But then, he was too charming, I can't stop him when he kissed me!


I can't stop.

Out of my Head

So lately I have been experiencing this numbness on my head plus some glare when I look straight on lights.

I am a paranoid person.

And to be honest, this thing really scares the shit out of me.

I just want to feel normal again.

Zamboo

So maybe I can't go to Zamboanga.

I knew from the first time that he asked me to do it. And it's been a MONTH since he did.

Aaron.

Why can't I tell him straight that I can't go? Oh well maybe I am just scared to disappoint him... or lose him. Or believe him.

He's just too good to be true.

He's just so not believable.

And apparently, I have created a person that is believable to him. How can he say that he loves me when he don't even know my middle name or my whole being. The person that he loves (if he really does love me) is the person that I have created. Somebody who doesn't really exist. Just one of my personas.



I want to go to Zamboanga.

I saw him again today.

Ariel.

Although I do have a boyfriend. I let him kiss me.
It wasn't the first time that he did it. It was the second time. I did not stop him. I liked it... LOVED it.

Loved the taste of his lips.
His smell.
The feel of it.
Every single thing.


This habit has to stop.

The Beginning

I could think of a million things to write here.

Now, this would serve as an ear to my selfish stories. Stories that I don't have the guts to tell anybody.

My shadow.

My mask.

My pseudo-me.